Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
