You really coming over, don't trick.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
