He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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