I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
