carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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