I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
