can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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