Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
