Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
