I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
