This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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