Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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