My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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