see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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