yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize