so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
