I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
