Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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