I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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