Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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