Swine flu. Run for my life!
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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