Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
