My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
