Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
even my farts smell like vagina
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
