He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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