I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We have started to decorate penises.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
