please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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