I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
