I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
