Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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