my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
