I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
