Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
