The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
