I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
