I have demons in me.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
