my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize