he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
There's always time for handjobs
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
