New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
