My balls are so social today.
I wish you could order shots online.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
