I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
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