I cockslap morals
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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