Swine flu is the new snow day.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
