Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
