I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
