Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
