I puked a lego.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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