hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
