I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
