Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
