i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
