That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
