What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
