He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Oh god it's open bar.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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