Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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