I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
