And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
