I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize