I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
