Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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