A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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