Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
